


Stuck With You

by sobadabi (crapfaerie)



Series: Text Fic Dump [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Covid Fic, Crack, Established Relationship, Harry Potter Next Generation, M/M, Minor Daphne Greengrass/Pansy Parkinson, Minor Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Minor Luna Lovegood/Ginny Weasley, Minor Teddy Lupin/Victoire Weasley, Online Classes, Professor Draco Malfoy, Professor Harry Potter, Professor Neville Longbottom, Quarantine, Texting, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27080956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crapfaerie/pseuds/sobadabi
Summary: In which the Wizarding World is also quarantined - and Hogwarts has introduced online classes. How bad can that be? Depends on who you ask.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Series: Text Fic Dump [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2161386
Comments: 22
Kudos: 67





	1. Transfiguration I

**Author's Note:**

> most of them are OCs but i wanna do this anyway so...
> 
> CHARACTERS AND THEIR HOUSES:  
> T.Lupin: Teddy Lupin/Hufflepuff (duh)  
> Victory: Victoire Weasley/Hufflepuff  
> TJ: Thomas Jefferson Jr./Slytherin (yes i borrowed him from Magnus Chase shh)  
> Moldywarts: Anastasia Watson/Gryffindor (muggleborn disaster)  
> McDonald: Will MacDougal/Gryffindor (Morag MacDougal's son)  
> Theotherspinnet: Patricia Spinnet/Ravenclaw (Alicia Spinnet's lil sis)  
> Pork: Poppy Greengrass-Parkinson/Slytherin (Pansy and Daphne's girl)  
> A.Very: Jamie Avery/Ravenclaw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teddy Lupin and the gang have their first Transfiguration online class with Professor Malfoy. All I have to say to that is... poor Draco.

**Transfiguration Class**

T.Lupin: shut up here comes the prof

TJ: you only know that cause you live with him but ok

Victory: no really. Shhhh

McDonald: side eyes

Moldywarts: lmao

The screen lights up and professor Malfoy's voice filters in through the speakers. "Is this on? How do I know if it's on?"

A disjointed voice answers from somewhere. Professor Malfoy nods. "If you guys can hear me, please write a message. I need to mark your attendance." His face is a bit close to the screen, but otherwise he's doing pretty good for his first time.

Victory: Im here

TJ: sam

Moldywarts: I'm here too

The professor furrows his brows. "Who is Moldywarts?" he says to someone off camera. The students hear a loud guffaw that seemed to come from the left of Mr Malfoy's room. "Shut it you arse." Professor Malfoy throws a scarf at the offender.

"Now, where was I?"

Moldywarts: you were trying to figure out who I was?

"and you are?"

Moldywarts: Anastasia Watson, sixth year Griffindor at your service

He frowned. "Of course it is." he mumbled. Then he turns to his left. "It's your favourite Gryffindor. No not Peterson they don't take my class. No you go away? It's my class. _And_ my house."

T.Lupin: ummm professor?

Mr Malfoy's face turned a bright, Gryffindor red. "Back to attendance."

McDonald: was that your boyfriend, professor?

"Another word, William MacDougal and I will mark you absent and inform your mother."

McDonald: its Will and no. Please don't tell mum.

TJ: wimp

Professor Malfoy raises a brow. "Thank you Mr Jefferson. The same warning applies to you." 

TJ: sorry

McDonald: me too

Pork: sorry im late

"Ms Greengrass-Parkinson." says the professor. "Say hello to your mothers for me, will you? And ask Pansy to inform to me why her daughter is late. Again."

Pork: it was mums fault. She wanted to get her nails done. 

"And?"

Pork: I got my nails done too? It just took way longer to dry than I thought it would

"Typical Daphne. And you, Poppy, those nails better be good or else…" Another burst of very familiar laughter interrupted him. "Please, for the love of all that is good and holy- no that’s how I talk to _Slytherins._ Of course I favour them. As if you don’t favour…"

T.Lupin: youre doing it again

A.Very: was that prof Harry?????? I swear that sounded just like him

"No, Mr Avery it wasn’t. Now, we've wasted ten minutes and since it seems like Ms Spinnet isn't in a mood to chat, I will start now. Open your books to page 456. Turning frogs into flies."

Theotherspinnet: im here. I just went to get Alicia. She loves when you suffer and stuff

Professor Malfoy points his wand at whoever just started laughing. "That’s it. Get out." He disappears from the frame.

Theotherspinnet: my sister wants to know if that was Harry Potter

A.Very: that’s what I said

Pork: don’t look at me I don’t take CMC

Victory: just because you don’t take care of magical creatures doesnt mean you’ve never met prof Potter in the hallways or anything. Does it?

Pork: fair point but whatever

McDonald: I know who would know

TJ: oh you do, do you?

Moldywarts: now is not the time to quote Friends, TJ

TJ: hello. Everytime is quote Friends time, AnsTasIA

McDonald: does anyone want to hear my suggestion?

Theotherspinnet: lets hear it

A.Very: Teddys being awful quiet about this. I thought you loved gossip????

McDonald: THAS WHAT IVE BEEN TRYNA TELL YOU

Victory: that Teddy loves gossip?

McDonald: NOOOOO

McDonald: TEDDYS NOT JOINING IN CAUSE HE LIVES WITH PROF MALFOY. TEDDY HAS THE TEA

T.Lupin: no I dont

Pork: spilleth thy tea tedward

T.Lupin: no

T.Lupin: I mean

TJ: HOW COULD YOU?

Victory: Teddy why?

T.Lupin: not you too

Theotherspinnet: spill

Moldywarts: spill

McDonalds: spill

Pork: spill

T.Lupin: shut up

A.Very: SPILL

"What on earth is going on here?" They all startle at the sound of the professor.

T.Lupin: nothing

Victory: nothing

Theotherspinnet: nothing

Moldywarts: nothing at all

Professor Malfoy narrows his eyes at the screen. He looks extremely disheveled. The professor's lips were redder than his cheeks and his hair stuck out in odd places - like someone had pull on them.

McDonald: sooooooooooooo

McDonald: did you win? ;) ;) ;)

He blushed redder. "Shut up William."

McDonald: ITS NOT WILLIAM

TJ: come on ive heard your own mother call you william

Theotherspinnet: yeah

Theotherspinnet: wait. How come you met his mom? OMG ARE YOU GUYS GETTING MARRIED????

A.Very: OMG did Mrs MacDougal nearly murder you for taking her sons chastity????

T.Lupin: wtf

TJ: shethinks im his best friend? And I stayed over for a sleepover

A.Very: oooooooooh

Pork: a sleeeeepoveeeeerrrrr

TJ: shut up

McDonald: yeah

Victory: side eyes

McDonald: …

Victory: what? You guys did it to me

McDonald: fair point

"Would you guys _please_ stop texting and open your books?" Mr Malfoy groaned. "I knew this was a bad idea." He puts his head in his hands. "No you shut up this was all your idea." He says to his mystery boyfriend.

McDonald: think we should stop now?

Moldywarts: only if TJ and teddy promise to spill the tea

TJ: ok

T.Lupin: no

Victory: spoilsport

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look i was just bored and when im bored bad things happen. like this.  
> would love to hear what you guys think, tho.


	2. Care of Magical Creatures I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The kids try asking Harry. Too bad the man only wants to have fun.

**FUCK YEAH CREATURES**

Moldywarts: prof Harry

"Yeah?"

Moldywarts: you love me dont you

He laughs. "Sure. What do you want, Ana?"

Moldywarts: are you dating prof Malfoy? Or maybe

Moldywarts: idk… living with him????

TJ: ya pls tell us 

"Doesn't Teddy live with him?" Professor Potter looks bemused. "Why don't you guys ask him?"

Victory: we did

Victory: he wont budge

McDonald: not even for Victoire

Victory: hey!

TJ: what? Its tru

Pork: can I just

Pork: side eyes

Theotherspinnet: no you cant thas a gryffidor trademark

Pork: but Victoire did it???

A.Very: favourism

T.Lupin: speaking of favourism can I please LEARN my favourite subject????????

Victory: im sorry but that’s not how it works

T.Lupin: StoPE HaTiNG ON mE

"Teddy that was very sweet of you." Professor Harry laughs. "I'm glad you enjoy learning my subject."

Theotherspinnet: why do I get the feeling youre enjoying this way too much prof

Harry shrugs. "Maybe I am maybe I'm not."

T.Lupin: are we going to be doing an leanring or what?

TJ: oh my gawd Tedward Remus Lupin do NOT disrespect your godfather

T.Lupin: you sound exactly like Draco

T.Lupin: when hes drunk too much pixie juice

"I'm telling him you said that."

T.Lupin: to quote cousin Draco, your threats dont scare me POTTAH

Pork: Ilovethis

Moldywart: off topic but us pixie juice made OF or BY pixies cux im vegetarian and I think pixies would come under the meat category

McDonald: yes that is offtopic

T.Lupin: to answer your question Ana…. Pixie juice is made by pixes. Then again no one knows what its made of sooo

Pork: nerd

Wallahi: there go my weekend plans

Wallahi: fuck you teddy you ruin everything

Victory: okay but wahim not speaking the whole time and just popping in to talk abt alcohol is a mood

Wallahi: face it Vicky. I am the Meme

Wallahi: I eat the Meme I sleep the Meme I drink the Meme

TJ: pretty sure memes are haram certifed lmao

Wallahi: they will be when you learn how to spell certified

McDonald: burn

TJ: I though you were on my side

McDonald: evaporate

Pork: out of context

Moldywart: you guys are such a power couple omg

Theotherspinnet: mayb evenbetter than teddy and vic

T.Lupin: excuse you

"You guys don’t mind if I go grab a snack right? This is more entertaining than the time Buckbeak scratched Draco and he pretended to die." A pillow hit professor Potter square on the forehead and he went off frame.

McDonald: Draco?

Theotherspinnet: Draco?

A.Very: DRACO?�

Wallahi: draco???

Wallahi: that was me not knowing tf is up

Moldywart: youll figure it out Wahim

Moldywart: you always do

Pork: side eyes

Pork: I had to

Wallahi: what the fuck Pig????

Victory: I think we can allow an exception, right guys?

Theotherspinnet: fine

Theotherspinnet: but only cux Ana and Wahim are being so cute

Wallahi: wut

Moldywart: I second that statement

Theotherspinnet: side eyes

Pork: side eyes

Wallahi: you have no right to do that porky

Victory: side eyes

A.Very: side eyes

"Im telling you babe this shit is better than the office." Harry is reading the texts, occasionally shoving popcorn in his mouth.

A.Very: I know a compliment when I see one

Moldywart: boy that aint no compliment

Moldywart: that a fucking Oscar

Pork: true that

McDonald: whats an Oscar

McDonald: is it like a person or

TJ: shut up before you embarrass me along with yourself

Victory: mood

T.Lupin: was that a jab at me

Victory: get jabbed simp

Pork: GUYS HE CALLED HIM BABE OMG

"No I don’t want to watch Batman verses Superman. You're gonna complain about how you ended up dating _Harry Potter_ instead of Batman." Someone shouted a muffled response. 

Victory: also mood

Pork: im pretty sure that was prof malfoy

A.Very: well it was either him or the lawnmower

A.Very: and don’t ask what a lawnmower is Will

McDonald: I was going to but since you said my PROPER NAME for once I wont

Pork: for the record Avery you suck at figurative language

A.Very: i have sinned

"Well I don’t care if I've got the perfect backstory. I'm Harry Fucking Potter. That should be enough." 

T.Lupin: lmao

T.Lupin: and I get to see all this live

TJ: you admitting to Drarry living with you?

T.Lupin: no im staying with Harry for the weekend

Pork: sine when was Tuesday part of the weekend

Victory: BURRRNNNN

Theotherspinnet: ok but DRARRY

Theotherspinnet: TJ you are a genius

Wallahi: Wahim has left the chat

Victory: no you havent youre gonna keeep screenshotting these to put on your blog

Moldywarts: Wahim has a blog????

Pork: wouldn’t you like to know

TJ: hes screenshotting these?????

This time, the response was clear. "Yeah and I'm Britney Spears what's new?"

Pork: that’s prof Malfoy

A.Very: definitely prof malfoy

T.Lupin: no it isnt

Theotherspinnet: and who is it then?????

"Shit. I left the mic on."

Wallahi: no shit sherlock

Pork: I thought you 'left the chat'

Wallahi: I just like having the last word

Pork: the last word is mine

Theotherspinnet: this has more chemistry than Wahim+Anastasia

Pork: ew no

Wallahi: wahim+anastasia doesnt exist

Wallahi: shes my bitch. my best friend. my bro that is a hoe

Wallahi: also Pig would be a shit girlfriend

Pork: arsehole. you know i'd be fucking amazing

TJ: enemies to lovers troupe

McDonald: just like drarry

Victory: _just like drarry_

Wallahi: well said William

McDonald:did you just

Wallahi: last word

Pork: bitch

"Okay guys. Time's up. We'll be doing our essasys about Cornish Pixies the next session so please have your notebooks ready."

Pork: there. I win

Theotherspinnet: no I do

Fleamont: Actually, I do 

TJ: Harry no

Fleamont: get rekt

Fleamont: :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hyped up on brownies and its 3 am wbu


	3. Group Chats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> by now you must have figured out i have no idea what im doing.

**William and the Women**  
McDonald: don’t you guys think its time we changed the gc name

Pork: nope

McDonald: not even to _Will_ and the Women?

Moldywart: nope

Victory: nope

Despacito: hey Victoire did you and Teddy make up yet?

Victory: yea he promised hed show up to my moms birthday wearing drag

Moldywart: dayum girl you are ruthless 

Despacito: that’s great 

McDonald: it is?

Despacito: I need you guys to do me favour

Victory: double date with Jamie? Maya id be happy to

Despacito: please

Despacito: I get so fucking nervous

McDonald: TJ and I would be happy to join you

Despacito: that would be great thanks

McDonald: ofc that depends on the location

McDonald: nowhere that demands formalwear pls

Pork: istg 

Pork: boys

Moldywart: ikr

McDonald: why do you guys keep me in this chat anyway?

Pork: to talk about our boyfriends? Hello?

McDonald: is that why Pats is in the guys chat. Cuz she has a girlfriend

McDonald: also Vic and Maya are the onlygirls here who have boyfriends

Pork: rude

Moldywart: ikr

Despacito: Will is honeydukes OK?

McDonalds: yea

Pork: make that a quadruple date

McDonalds: ???  
Pork: Ana and I are coming too

Pork: right ana?

Moldywarts: yea

Moldywarts: didt just find out

Moldywarts: nope

Moldywarts: knew it the whole time

Pork: shut it

Despacito: I ship it

Victory: me too

**mother of my children**  
McDonald: hey

McDoanld: baby

mother of my children: what?

McDonalds: the girls are planning a quadruple date to honeydukes

mother of my children: ok ill go

mother of my children: but only if we get to make fun of Poppy and Ana if theyre going

McDonalds: duh

mother of my children: theyre going too? Where did they find dates

McDonalds: each other

mother of my children: oml

mother of my children: im so glad I agreed

mother of my children: love you babe

McDonalds: love you too TJ

mother of my children: we should stop bein so mushy

McDonalds: agreed

**DRARRY IS REAL SHUT UP TEDDY**  
A.Very: guys

A.Very: what if we ask prof longbottom

A.Very: hes friends with Harry and prof Malfoy right

TJ: oh ya definitely

Wallahi: I still don’t understand what's going on

Pork: shhh Wahim let it happen

Wallahi: Kk

Theotherspinnet: did that just happen?

_Theotherspinnet changed name to Pork+Wallahi_

Pork: you cant do that

Wallahi: yea our names are copyrighted

Pork+Wallahi: fine

_Pork+Wallahi changed name to Drarrylicious_

Drarrylicious: better?

A.Very: no

TJ: no

McDonald: no

Wallahi: no

Moldywarts: no

Pork: veto

Drarrylicious: ok ok I get it

_Drarrylicious changed name to PatsthePan_

A.Very: perfect

PatsthePan: I hate you guys

PatsthePan: btw where is Victoire?

T.Lupin: you guys forgot to add her

TJ: oh shit

_TJ added Victory to the chat_

T.Lupin: they forgot to add you

Victory: I know

Victory: and the group name made me forgive them

T.Lupin: I thought we werent fighting anymore

Victory: we arent. I just like messing with you :)

Pork: side eyes

PatsthePan: you are taking advantage of that priviledge

Pork: that’s a slytherin for you darling

A.Very: guys we are getting off topic

PatsthePan: sorry

A.Very: which of you guys are in Herbology

Moldywarts: Maya is

Wallahi: side eyes

Pork: OMG WAHIM DID THE THING

Wallahi: OMG WAHIM WISHES HE DIDNT DO THE THING

A.Very: guys? Drarry?

TJ: add Maya

A.Very: fine

_A.Very added Despacito to the chat_

Despacito: hi jamie

A.Very: hey Maya

PatsthePan: side eyes

Moldywarts: side eyes

Victory: side eyes

A.Very: this is why I don’t let my girlfriend talk to you guys

TJ: side eyes

McDonald: side eyes

A.Very: for the love of

Pork: Maya can you ask prof longbottom if Harry and Malfoy are dating pls pls pls

Wallahi: wow I never thought id see the pork beg

Pork: zip it

Despacito: sorry I cant

_A.Very changed name to BeTrAyaL_

Pork: and you guys call me dramatic

BeTrAyaL: point taken

Wallahi: you guys are weird

PatsthePan: and yet you still hang out with us

Wallahi: eh

Wallahi: coulda been worse

Wallahi: coulda been friends with teddy

T.Lupin: excuse me what

Wallahi: I thought this was a teddy bashing group. My bad

BeTrAyaL: techinally it is

T.Lupin: I trusted you

BeTrAyaL: a horrible decision, really

Despacito: so was deciding to date you. Shit happens

T.Lupin: oh big burn big burn

PatsthePan: get some ice cld water for that burn

Despacito: also Wahim, Teddy and Poppy go to herbology too

_Despacito left the chat_

BeTrAyaL: and she left

BeTrAyaL: just like that

Wallahi: pretty sure it was your fault mate

BeTrAyaL: no that’s how she is most of the time

BeTrAyaL: that’s how she expresses… what can I say, affection

Wallahi: I was going to offer to help but not with that attitude mister

BeTrAyaL: no wait

BeTrAyaL: pls

BeTrAyaL: ill do anything

Wallahi: _anything?_

BeTrAyaL : im gonna regret this arent i

Pork: yes you are mate. yes you are

Wallahi: VIDEO. 32832 sent.

Moldywarts: send that to Maya please

T.Lupin: and then go to sleep its 4 in the damn morning

Pork: you go to sleep goodytwoshoes

Pork: the rest of us have lives to live

BeTrAyaL: pls dont tell me you sent that to Maya 

Pork: good morning to you too

PatsthePan: wouldnt really be a good morning cux Wahim sent that vid to Maya

BeTrAyaL: gtg. digging my grave anyone wnna help?

Pork: nope

PatsthePan: nope

Wallahi: nope

Victory: nope

Moldywarts: nope

T.Lupin: go back to sleeppls its barely 6

BeTrAyaL: for the record my last words are 'I hate you guys'

BeTrAyaL: I hate you gyus

BeTrAyaL: *guys

Pork: now your last words are '*guys'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	4. Herbology I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i missed the og gang so im bringing them in

**Herbology (5th and 6th years)**

"And while the Mandrake and Angels Trumpets both belong to the Nightshade family, they have significantly different uses in both Wizarding and Muggle worlds. Now can anyone tell me another type of plant belonging to the Nightshade family?" 

Despacito: Datura

Wallahi: tomatoes

"Very good Ms Fernandez, Mr Afzal." Neville grins. "Anyone else?"

Pork: omg do tomatoes actually belong to the nightshade family???

Pork: who woulda thunk it

"We covered the Nightshade family in last terms classes, Ms Bulstrode-Parkinson."

T.Lupin: that was neville nicely telling you to stop sleeping in his class

Pork: shut tedyy

T.Luipin: nau

Professor Longbottom clears his throat. "I really don’t think you're in a position to speak, Mr Lupin. You didn't turn in your essay about the differences between Datura and Brugmansia."

T.Lupin: sorry nev

Pork: get rekt tedward

Pork: oi Wahim

Wallahi: what

Pork: didn you promsie something to jamie???

Pork: ;) ;)

Wallahi: we still have time

Wallahi: I don’t know how to phrase the question

Despacito: class ends in five minutes

"That’s right Maya. Anything you want to ask, Wahim, now is the time."

Wallahi: its not related to the topic or anything

He smiles. "That’s alright. I've finished the lesson for today."

Wallahi: do you know if prof Malfoy and Harry are fucking

Pork: wow

T.Lupin: way to phrase it

Wallahi: shut up I panicked

Pork: lmao

Pork: he pANicKeD

It takes a while for Neville to reply. "Wahim. I don’t think I can answer that." He looks like he can't decide whether to laugh or cry.

Pork: but you know

"Yes. I do." Neville says. "But so does Teddy."

T.Lupin: yea throw me under the bandwagon nev

T.Lupin: I really diddnt expect this from you of all people

T.Lupin: you hurt me nev. You really did

"Sorry Ted." He doesn’t sound sorry at all.

Pork: I know ive said this before but

Pork: and you guys call me dramatic

Despacito: you are tho poppy

Pork: shhh maya shhh

"Time up." 

**DRARRY IS REAL SHUT UP TEDDY**

Pork: mission impossible was

Wallahi: dun dun dunnnnn

Pork: impossible

BeTrAyaL: yall suck at espionage

Victory: like you can do any better

BeTrAyaL: read my id

BeTrAyaL: thas what you did to me

Wallahi: don’t say it pork

Pork: *inhales*

Pork: and you guys call me dramatic

_T.Lupin left the chat_

_TJ added T.Lupin to the chat_

T.Lupin: no let me leave

_T.Lupin left the chat_

_Victory added T.Lupin to the chat_

Victory: ಠ_ಠ

T.Lupin: fine

_T.Lupin changed name to c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍_

Victory: what the fuck teddy

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: there is no teddy

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: there is only lucifer

TJ: I swear that says cow

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: no it doesnt

TJ: watever you say, cow

BeTrAyaL: so what now?

BeTrAyaL: drarry no go?

Victory: we'll just have to keep asking

TJ: Will has Luna Lovegood's number

Pork: 1. why

Pork: 2. im on it

_Pork added .loona to the chat_

Wallahi: that was fast

Pork: never underestimate the power of pork

.loona: how can I help

BeTrAyaL: can you tell us if Harry and Malfoy are dating

BeTrAyaL: please

.loona: I would but I havent a clue

.loona: woolycobbles are good at that sort of thing

Victory: or we could ask Ginny

.loona: or we could ask Ginny

_.loona added Muderdeathtornado to the chat_

Muderdeathtornado: nice gc

TJ: thanks

McDonald: what is going on

TJ: hi babe

McDonald: hi babe

Pork: hey TJ

TJ: what

Pork: did u kno will has ur number saved as 'mother of my children'

McDonald: YOU SAID YOU DIDDNT GO THROUGH MY OHONE

Pork: why did you believe me?

McDonald: honestly I dunnp what got into me

TJ: babe I have ur contact saved as 'the best thing that ever happened to me'

McDonald: babe

TJ: babe

Muderdeathtornado: ew gay

.loona: honey we're lesbians

Muderdeathtornado: still

_Muderdeathtornado changed name to .ew.gay_

BeTrAyaL: do you know if Harry and prof Malfoy are dating

.ew.gay: even if they were

.ew.gay: which they arent

.ew.gay: what makes you think theyl tell me

BeTrAyaL: ur the ex girlfriend

.ew.gay: exactly

BeTrAyaL: no 

.ew.gay: Idk

TJ: oh the disappointment

.loona: can I addd nevill

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: at this point why not add everyone

PotsthePan: who gave u the right 2 dicide

PotsthePan: ofc u can luna :)

_.loona added Mimbulus_mimbletonia, Prada, Juan, Fleamont and BritneyBitch to the chat_

_c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍ removed Fleamont and BritneyBitch from the chat_

Victory: why

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: That’s Harry and Draco

PotsthePan: wait really???

PotsthePan: I thought BritneyBitch was Poppy's mum

Prada: that would be me

PotsthePan: AAAHHHHHH

Juan: why are we here

TJ: first of all who are you

Juan: Blaise Zabini duh

Victory: code 43

Victory: this is not a drill

_c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍, Victory, TJ, PotsthePan, Wallahi, McDonald and BeTrAyaL left the chat_

Juan: why

Pork: don’t ask me

Pork: bye

_Pork left the chat_

.ew.gay: now what

Prada: we partay

_Prada added BritneyBitch and Fleamont to the group_

_Prada changed group name to draco's fat arse_

BritneyBitch: I came out here to have a good time and I am so offended right now

Juan: pans add Granger and Weasley

BritneyBitch: what why

_Prada added VIVALAPLUTO to the chat_

Prada: idk weasleys

Mimbulus_mimbletonia: @AragogFangPotter ...for now

_Prada added AragogFangPotter to the chat_

Fleamont: ron pls

Fleamont: change ur name back

_AragogFangPotter changed name to FordAngliaPotter_

Juan: ok wahts goin on

VIVALAPLUTO: Ron's protesting

Prada: protesting what

FordAngliaPotter: harry wanting to name his kid Albus Serverus Potter

Prada: ew potter why

BritneyBitch: yes too much stress is bad for the baby. and if you searched for the word stressed on the thesaurus you would find that fucking name

Fleamont: its a dictionary honey

BritneyBitch: my bad darling

.ew.gay: ew. gay

Juan: wait... 

Juan: what baby?

.ew.gay: YOU GUYS ARE HAVING A BABY

BritneyBitch: shut up ginny you knew

Prada: YOU GUYS ARE HAVING A BABY

Fleamont: you know too Pansy

Prada: its just fun

.ew.gay: so much fun

BritneyBitch: I regret naming you both godmothers

Juan: so you guys actually fucking

Prada: blaise where were you these past two years

Juan: argentina

Prada: you missed all the sexual tension

Juan: don’t I know it

Mimbulus_mimbletonia: did they ask you too Gin? Teddy's friends?

.ew.gay: yea

.loony: ginny was very good at pretending she didn’t know

Fleamont: *sarcasm*

VIVALAPLUTO: Why are we doing this again?

_Prada changed group name to because its fun Hermione_

VIVALAPLUTO: I feel you Draco

BritneyBitch: we all do

FordAngliaPotter: 10 galleons theyre gonna ask Hermione next

VIVALAPLUTO: 20 galleons it will be Pansy

Prada: they already asked me

Prada: poppy wrote me a letter

BritneyBitch: and she sent back a howler

FordAngliaPotter: why expect anything less

VIVALAPLUTO: Ron can't wait to do it to Rosie

_FordAngliaPotter changed name to RonaldHermionePotter_

BritneyBitch: no

RonaldHermionePotter: fuck you

BritneyBitch: sometimes you just gotta say 'tragic' and move on

Fleamont: tragic

Juan: wait 

Juan: which one of you is pregnant

Juan: guys?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLOT TWIST: neither of them is pregnant


	5. idk what to name these anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> new additions: Hogwarts Staff + Weasley Fam

**because its fun Hermione**

Juan: why didn’t you guys tell me it was a fucking doge

BritneyBitch: and not watch you suffer?

Juan: I will forgive you if you send pics

BritneyBitch: sorry blaise I don’t send nudes anymore

Prada: liar

_Prada added daph to the chat_

Prada: babe come look at this liar

daph: pansy 

daph: I want a divorce

Prada: maybe later

Fleamont: @Juan  


Juan: holy shit that’s adorable

daph: draco always said hed get a poodle

BinnsMcgonnagalPotter: that’s not a poodle tho

VIVALAPLUTO: That’s what she said

Fleamont: ron that’s the worst one yet

BinnsMcgonnagalPotter: haters gonna hate

.ew.gay: I regret ever showing him that (no i dont)

Juan: so if its not a poodle what is it

Mimbulus_mimbletonia: harry wanted a golden retriever though

Prada: bitch that aint a golden retriever either

BritneyBitch: for the love of

BritneyBitch: it’s a goldendoodle

BinnsMcgonnagalPotter: ????

VIVALAPLUTO: golden retriever + poodle = goldendoodle

BinnsMcgonnagalPotter: and you wanted to name that angel Albus Serverus Potter

Fleamont: ron weve been over this

Mimbulus_mimbletonia: its literally Harry and Dracos child though

Juan: ikr

Prada: otp ftw

daph: what did you guys name it anyway?

Fleamont: James Sirius Potter

BritneyBitch: Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy

.ew.gay: …ok

.loona: how about noodle

.loona: noodle the doodle

Fleamont: Noodle the Doodle Potter

BritneyBitch: Noodle the Doodle Malfoy

Mimbulus_mimbletonia: this might take a while…

BinnsMcgonnagalPotter: you think?

**ESPIONAGE**

Wallahi: important question I need answered for a debate = what Hogwarts house would Ironman be in?

Pork: Ravenclaw 

Wallahi: you arent allowed to answer

Pork: fuck you

Wallahi: 8====D 

Pork: ( 0◡0)っ✂ 8====D 

Wallahi: ur loss

PatsthePan: did that just happen

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: Pats there are more important things than Poppy cutting Wahims dick off she does that all the time

TJ: like?

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: guys. Tony Stark is totally a hufflepuff come on

TJ: no way he's a slytherin

Victory: RAVENCLAW hello he built his suit from scrap metal he found in a cave?????

TJ: are you calling slytherins stupid?

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: you said it yourself

McDonalds: Red suit? Hes definitely a gryffindor case closed

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: shut up William

Victory: shut up William

Moldywarts: shut up William

McDonald: my name isn't even William!!!

BeTrAyaL: suck it up

McDonald: I do ;)

BeTrAyaL: Wahim you dirtied this groupchat

Wallahi: sorry not sorry

Moldywarts: holy water?

BeTrAyaL: holy water.

Wallahi: im muslim

TJ: halal holy water

Pork: what happened to mission drarry

PatsthePan: we gave it up

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: wait really?

PatsthePan: yea no ones welling to spill the tea so

Moldywarts: we decided coffees better

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: you guys arent having me on

Victory: nope

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: I find that hard to believe now that you’ve said that

Wallahi: what about batman

Wallahi: pork thinks batmans a hufflepuff

Moldywarts: pork thinks everyones a hufflepuff

Pork: he has a posse of adopted orphans

Pork: and you chose my moment of hubris to bail on me

**Hogwarts Staff**

Fleamont: if any students ask about me and Malfoy do not answer

D.Malfoy: rich coming from the guy using his personal id 

Fleamont: not everyone has offensive usernames _Britney_

McG: honestly boys. Grow up

Neville: Minnie. Hannah, Luna and I are going to the Young Mandrake. Sunday.

McG: ill be there 

Neville: cant wait xoxo

McG: xoxo

Fleamont: I cant believe Neville invited McG to his poker club but not me 

Fleamont: :(

D.Malfoy: you don’t even play poker

Fleamont: but I play strip poker ;)

Sneep: no 

Sneep: this is the staff chat

Sneep: please refrain

D.Malfoy: stop being a prude Michaels

Bin: plsllw hlepd

Bin: thse srsdents sya tyeh cnat see me

D.Malfoy: at least he managed to spell 'see me' right

MRSNORRIS: DONT BE RUDE MALFOY

Neville: @Bin ill help

Sneep: filch still hasnt figured how to turn capslock off

Bin: tnhak oyuy nevreil

**Potty**

BritneyBitch: your son peed on my carpet

Potty: hes your son until he does something bad

BritneyBitch: obvi

BritneyBitch: now clean it up potter before it stains

Potty: no

**GINNY STOP CHANGING THE GROUP NAME**

Fleamont: guys

.ew.gay: harry wtf its 11 go back to slepp

PerseusWeasley: about time you got out of bed young lady

Norberta: what happened harry

HermioneOwesMe30Galleons: he found out about spanks

ThatsNotHowBetsWorkRon: spanx ron. Harry already knew about spanks

Fleamont: never make an innendo again hermie

Fleamont: not good for my health

PerseusWeasley: I do not think that counts as an innuendo 

Percy: Audrey please stop

PerseusWeasley: its funny

Floor: and confusing

Billybutton: funny and confusing

HermioneOwesMe30Galleons: yours is just plain disturbing

Fleamont: im gonna take draco to the burrow

Floor: this I must see

Floor: better than soap opera

HermioneOwesMe30Galleons: are you bringing your son

Perseus: harry has a son?

Wheeze: and he didn’t tell me

Wheeze: :(

Fleamont: I don’t have a son George

ThatsNotHowBetsWorkRon: so this isnt about spanx

Fleamont: no hermie its not abt spanx

.ew.gay: well that’s disappointing

Percy: audrey pls change ur name

PerseusWeasley: only if we get matching ones

Percy: fine

_PerseusWeasley changed name to Sponge_

_Percy changed name to Bob_

Wheeze: SpongeBob

ThatsNotHowBetsWorkRon: couple goals

Billybutton: fleur we should do that

_Floor left the chat_

Billybutton: :(

_.ew.gay changed the chat name to Bill Just Got Floored_

_Bob removed .ew.gay from the chat_

_.ew.gay joined the chat_

.ew.gay: cant get rid of me that easily

ThatsNotHowBetsWorkRon: im not even going to question that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment for Noodle's sake  
> took me hours of html to get him up on there


	6. the gang finally figure it out

**MWAHAHAHA**

BeTrAyaL: drarry spotted walking to the shops together

BeTrAyaL: over

Pork: what shop

Pork: over

BeTrAyaL: the one near Pats'

BeTrAyaL: over

PatsthePan: I see them

PatsthePan: they have a fuckin doge its adorable

PatsthePan: over

Victory: why are we talking like this

Victory: over

TJ: because it feels like we're spys

TJ: over

TJ: Will and I are on the way

TJ: over

BeTrAyaL: don’t crowd

BeTrAyaL: they’ll get suspicious

BeTrAyaL: over

PatsthePan: teddys with them

PatsthePan: over

Pork: send pics my mum wont let me go

Pork: over

TJ: which one lmao

TJ: over

Victory: @Molywarts where ru

Victory: over

Moldywarts: the dentist :(

BeTrAyaL: you forgot to say over

BeTrAyaL: over

Moldwarts: sorry

Moldywarts: over

BeTrAyaL: the ones on their way

BeTrAyaL: 2456.img 

BeTrAyaL: over

TJ: it was a romantic moment fuck you

TJ: over

McDonald: btw ur photo quality sucks jamie i look hot when im snogging

McDonald: over

Pork: guys

Pork: DRARRY

Pork: over

PatsthePan: I got caught 0.0

PatsthePan: teddys interrogating me

PatsthePan: over

Victory: do not spill

Victory: over

PatsthePan: ill try

PatsthePan: over

BeTrAyaL: today we lost a warrior

BeTrAyaL: rip Patsy Spinnet

BeTrAyaL: you were truly drarrylicous

BeTrAyaL: over

PatsthePan: OK BUT I CANT BELEIVE JAMIE ACTUALLY SAID THAT????

PatsthePan: over

Moldywarts: youre supposed to be dead

Moldywarts: over

PatsthePan: ooh shit right. sorry

PatsthePan: im dead now

PatsthePan: over

**ESPIONAGE**

BeTrAyaL: soooooooooo

BeTrAyaL: how was history of magic class

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: you were there jamie

Pork: what a shame the only person not there was

Pork: *whisper* the professor himself

Victory: poor Binns

Victory: who knew ghosts didn’t appear on camera. i know i didnt

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: guys

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: im not mad

McDonald: lies

McDoanld: we sstill havent herd back from patsy because you KILLED her

Wallahi: 1. *heard

Wallahi: 2. she's quarantined and if I recall correctly, her house doesn't have wifi

TJ: gws pats

TJ: may the virius protecc you from teddys wrath

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: im not mad

Victory: yes you are

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: mayb im a little disappointed but im not mad

Pork: so you wouldn’t mind if I did this

Pork: side eyes

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: fine

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: theyre dating

BeTrAyaL: fucking fninally

BeTrAyaL: was that so hard to admit

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: yes

Wallahi: im not even involved in this but I gotta know

Wallahi: why

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: first of all, you are involved in this Wahim

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: second, they told me not to. it was the first time they asked me to do something important and i didn’t want to fuck it up

Pork: hate to break it to ya but you just did

Wallahi: not helping

Pork: sorry

McDonald: side eyes

TJ: Will. We talked about inappropriate comedic timing

McDonald: sorry

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: anyway

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: if you guys can keep shut about this maybe I can salvage it

Victory: ofc we will teddy

Moldywarts: I know I was just reading the texts the whole time but

Moldywarts: cross my heart and hope never to wear pink again

Pork: girl youd be doing yourself a favour

Moldywarts: not all of us look like Umbridge when we wear pink porky

Pork: true.

Pork: but you do

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: you guys are gonna mess this up arent you

Moldywarts: nope

Pork: nope

Victory: nope

McDonald: nope

McDonald: and I totally wasn’t enjoying the drama

TJ: shut up

TJ: and nope

PatsthePan: my dad finally payed the wifi bill what I miss

PatsthePan: ohh are we doing the thing where one of us says something and we all copy paste it without reading?

PatsthePan: nope

BeTrAyaL: nope

Wallahi: y'all gonna mess this up and boy will I enjoy watching shit unfold

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: im gonna go sulk

Wallahi: hava good brood mate

**Dearly Detested**

Fleamont: teddy told his friends

Dearly Detested: how did you know

Fleamont: hes doing his 'i fucked up' face

Dearly Detested: you mean the one where his eyes go all watery and he pouts and wont talk to us until you make chicken and waffles?

Fleamont: thas the one

Dearly Detested: do not make chicken and waffles until I get home

Dearly Detested: i must see it for myself

Fleamont: you are a cruel cruel man

Dearly Detested: shut up you love me for it

Fleamont: no i love you for your arse

Dearly Detested: sounds like something someone who's NOT getting arse tonight would say

Fleamont: wait no

Fleamont: im sorry?

Dearly Detested: you're not even trying Potter

Fleamont: :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok but im so disappointed in you guys  
> i want my comments
> 
> GIMME


	7. Transfiguration II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just read it

**Transfiguration Class**

"- And that, class is the reason why it is unwise to transfiguration to turn animate objects inanimate - that is, unless you want to kill them."

Pork: but is it not possible to just transfigure the body inanimate but leave the internal objects still running? Or maybe we can transfigure the inanimate organs animate after we turn the body inanimate

Wallahi: ok but this nerdiness is killing me

Professor Malfoy is in the kitchen, stirring a cup of hot cocoa. "Exellent question. But pray, why waste all that magic when you can simply petrify whoever it is you're so keen on making inanimate?"

Pork: you're the one that said magic can neither be created nor destroyed. Just transferred. Therefore I would not be wasting the energy. Just transferring it.

Moldywarts: heyyyyy that sounds kind of familiar

"Okay but why would you transfer so much of your precious magic to someone else when you could do the same thing with a lot less magic?"

Pork: so if someone were to Avada Kedavra me I would gain a shit ton of extra magic?

Wallahi: you wanna test that theory?

"No." He shakes his head. "Magical transfer doesn’t work like that. The killing curse turns all the neutral magic into something we can visualize like a spear. If I throw the spear at you, you die."

Pork: true.

Pork: but I also get a spear

Pork: and my dead body would be magical as fuck

"Yes, Poppy." He deadpans. "If anyone were to cast the killing curse on you it would result in you having a very much magical corpse. That is what we will cover in the Asphodelius Law next term."

Pork: ooh I cant wait to learn about magical corpses

Wallahi: you really freak me out sometimes

"It's actually more about spell residue than well… magical corpses."

Pork: but we do learn about them right?

Moldywarts: GUYS I FIGURED IT OUT  
Moldywarts: ITS BASICALLY THE LAW OF CONSERVATION OF ENERGY

Moldywarts: BUT MAGIC

BeTrAyaL: say what now?

Pork: shes talking about the law of conservation of magic

BeTrAyaL: muggles actually study that?

Pork: apparently they replace the word magic with 'energy'

Pork: eugh

"Now that we have covered today's lesson," says Draco. "And you guys have been very good in my classes, how about I give you a ten minute break?"

Pork: but I have more questions about magical corpses

Pork: and thermodynamic equilibrium

Moldywarts: is this physics or transfiguration. pleasei thought ileft phsics when I got my Hogwarts letter :,(

Pork: oh that’s not part of the syllabus Draco and I are just researching muggles sciences 

Moldywarts: WHYYWYYY

Wallahi: yea pls stop

"And we can discuss it after class if you want, Poppy." He's simpering, the professor is. "I think you're driving Ana and Wahim up the wall."

Pork: thanks

Pork: ana I only wanted to know abt thermodynamic equlibrium bc I have really cold hands (like my heart) and Wahim's are really warm and they cancel each other out and that’s how we know were made for each other :)))))

BeTrAyaL: I thnk im gonna puke

Victory: omg pork are you guys official?????????

Pork: excuse you weve been dating since third year

Wallahi: a huge, half arsed lie

Wallhi: she foun dout she had a crush on me third year

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: so what made you guys finally stop the castration threats and pig shaming and start shagging

Pork: ew no were not shagging

Wallhi: for the record the pig shaming aint stopping

Pork: and niether are the castration threats

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: …

Victory: every couple is unique

Victory: speaking of which

TJ: hey did you guys ask prof yet

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: I thought I got rid of you

"Ask me what?"

TJ: You did that on purpose didn’t you

TJ: fiend

Pork: what

Pork: fucking spilleth theodore

TJ: the bastard arranged a 'romantic eveening on the beach' for Will and me

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: you say it like it’s a bad thing

TJ: so I couldn’t as draco to tell usabout his boyfried

TJ: mr coulda been batman but didn’t

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: Draco I swear id didn’t tell them they tortured me

BeTrAyaL: liar

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: you PROMISED

"Teddy," the professor's facing one side of the room, probably talking to Teddy for real. "I know."   
His eyes a are warm and meaningful, but then Mr malfoy smirks. "And if you really were tortured, I would know because Poppy would vlog it."

Pork: aww you know me so well xoxo

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: but how

"I'm standing right in front of you. You don’t have to text"

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: texting feels safer

Victory: ooh this is gonna be good

Pork: youre supposed to be girlfriend

Victory: I know

Pork: inspirational

Wallahi: don’t get any ideas bitch

Pork: bastard

TJ: ah, love 

"I know because Harry told me. And Harry knows because you were pulling that pouty face you always do when you break a vase or some other shit."

Victory: the infamous 'I fucked up' face

Victory: only fixed by chicken and waffles

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: shut up

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: so im not in trouble?

"No you're not in trouble. Why would you think Harry and I wanted to keep our relationship a secret?"

Teddy glares at the floor. "You told me not to tell anyone."

"I didn’t. Harry did and if you believe a word he says after spending seventeen years with the bloke, Edward Lupin you must be an idiot. He told that to all our friends to see which one of them would cave first. And for the record it was Pansy."

Pork: yup. PLOT TWIST i knew the whole time 

Wallahi: you sent us all on a wild goosechase

Victory: i bet you said that in a loving tone

TJ: hey prof might I suggest the word simp instead

"TJ advices me to use the word simp, would that be alright?"

Moldywarts: im missing glimore girls forthis and its so fuckin worth it

Wallahi: sam

BeTrAyaL: im going to pretend I didn’t read that

Wallahi: yeah. You do that.

Moldywarts: wana watch the reruns togther

Wallahi: the girlfriend says she has to come too

Moldywarts: ok

"So you're telling me that Harry was pranking me the whole time?" Teddy shouts.

"Yes." Draco replies. He calmly takes a sip from his hot cocoa. "I believe he reffered to the whole ordeal as a 'bit of fun' to spice up his boring life."

"That's not even an excuse. He lives both the two of us how can it be boring?" 

"Ask him." Draco shrugs.

Teddy grinned devilishly. "I'll do better than ask. I'm gonna prank him back."

Pork: send pics teddy

Pork: for ma vlog

Wallahi: and I need a detailed account

Wallahi: for ma blog

TJ: side eyes

"You guys log off now," Draco's nose is the only thing visible now. "This I must see."

_Pork, TJ, Moldywarts, Wallahi, Victory, c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍ and BeTrAyaL left the chat_

_PatsthePan joined the chat_

PatsthePan: hello?

PatsthePan: I must be the first one :)

McDonalds: no

McDonalds: everone left

PatsthePan: why you here

McDonalds: tryna read all the chats logs I missed while I was asleep 

PatsthePan: so you and TJ didn’t go to that 'romantic evening by the beach' thing?

McDonalds: I knew it was a hoax

McDonalds: so I went to bed

_McDonalds left the chat_

PatsthePan: now im alone :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i need feedback and comments and yes this is ending do you guys have any requests for drarry?


	8. bros before hoes or some shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> busy few weeks lmao. i didnt even get time to shit post.  
> i forgot Poppy (Pork) doesnt study CMC but i was too lazy to fix it lol. enjoy the huge fucking plotholes

**FUCK YEAH CREATURES (but with everyone this time)**

Fleamont: so

BeTrAyaL: soo

TJ: sooo

Victory: soooo

Wallahi: sooooo

Pork: Soooooo

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: its getting old

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: stop

Moldywarts: soooooooo

Fleamont: hey poppy

Pork: yes

Fleamont: tell your mum she's been disqualified from the best man election

Pork: why is there a best man election

Pork: and more importantly,

Pork: who is in the lead???????

PatsthePan: I smell a wedding

Fleamont: well on my end, teddy and ron are tied

Fleamont: draco cant choose between pansy, luna and blaise

Fleamont: so I staged this to eliminate one

Victory: devious. I like it

Fleamont: im thinking of making ron the maid of honour

Fleamont: think he might like that

Wallahi: that’s the quidditch instructior ryt?

PatsthePan: yea. You didn’t know that?

Wallahi: kinda hard to keep track yk? so many of them

Pork: I dare you to name them

Wallahi: even the ones married in? 0.0

Pork: nah just the originals

Wallahi: ok...theres mr and mrs weasley… and the quiddich instructor weasley, the wheezes weasleys, the hot harpy weasley, dragon weasley, gringotts wealsey and the boring one. And ofc victoire :)

Victory: im the only one you know by name isnt it

Wallahi: what gave it away?

_McDonald joined the chat_

Fleamont: so nice of you to join us Will :)))

Pork: text Harry and irl Harry are two different ppl istg

McDonald: *inhales*

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: oh shit here it comes

McDonald: HOW COULD YOU HARRY??? HOW COULD YOU LEAVE THIS POOR BLEEDING HEART  
McDonald: WHAT DOES THAT PIXIE JUICE DRINKING TRANSFIGURATION PROFFESSOR WITH A MONOCHROME BLACK WADROBE HAVE THAT I DON’T?

Wallahi: ngl that’s the longest sentence ive ever heard him say

Wallahi: or text. don’t @me

McDonald: IM FUCKING BLONDE TOO HARRY. I EVEN HAVE FUCKING FRECKLES HE DOESN’T HAVE THAT

Pork: he probabbly had TJ write it for him

McDonald: IF JAMIE DIDN’T ALREADY HAVE IT I WOULD CHANGE MY NAME TO BETRAYAL

BeTrAyaL: sksksk sucks to be you

Fleamont: This is absolutely hilarious and all but we're losing some serious teaching time

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: as far as I recall, you were talking about a certain best man election before William popped in

McDonald: AND MY NAME ISNT EVEN WILLIAM

McDonald: I THOUGHT WE HAD A CONNECTION HARRY

McDonald: WHAT HAPPENED TO BROS BEFORE HOES?

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: mates before dates

TJ: guys before thighs

Fleamont: I suppose he does have hot thighs…

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: harry pls

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: myvirgineyes

Victory: so youre a virgin now?

McDonald: we're gtting off script guys

Victory: oh right

Victory: dicks before chicks

BeTrAyaL: mens before hens

Patsthepan: guys before lies

McDonald: teddy?

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: ugh. Fine

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: Fellas before dramamellas

Fleamont: I love that one

Moldywarts: blunts before cunts

Pork: dudes before shreweds

Wallahi: dongs before thongs

Fleamont: every time I think it cant get any better

Fleamont: but then it just... _gets better_

TJ: we saved the best for last

Pork: drumroll

McDonald: brovaries before ovaries

Fleamont: brilliant

Fleamont: and just in time for end of class

Fleamont: you guys rehersed this didn’t you

Moldywarts: what gave it away

Moldwarts: dont answer that

PatsthePan: one last question

Fleamont: I have a bad feeling about this

PatsthePan: did teddy really dye your hair slytherin green?

Fleamont: see for yourself 

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: be glad I didn’t go with fucking orange

c̴̡̛̺̙̠̦̼̗̘͓̹̤̞̯͌̇̈́̓̍͛̅̐̈̕͘͠ǒ̴̳͖̥̭͊͗̋̈́̿̇̅͝w̴̡̹̻̥̫̻̥̤͚͚͔̽͐̋̑̇̓̀́͒̊̀̓̍: green brings out your eyes

Victory: it does tho lol

Pork: L fucking M A O

Fleamont: class dismissed

**Dearly Detested**

Fleamont: can we invite the students to the wedding?

Dearly Detested: no

Fleamont: but

Dearly Detested: no buts

Fleamont: no butts? 

Dearly Detested: you know that’s not what I meant

Dearly Detested: yes to the arse and no to the word that is used to introduce a phrase or clause contrasting with what has already been mentioned

Fleamont: you copied that from google didn’t you

Dearly Detested: ...

Dearly Detested: im still not letting you invite those kids 

Fleamont: you'll come around

Fleamont: you always do

Dearly Detested: Harry I swear

Fleamont: MWAHAHHAHA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poppy says to tell you that if you don't comment she will Avada Kadavra you and use your magical corpse for 'research purpose'  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> . and that 'research purpose' doesn't necessarily mean necrophilia, as Wahim might have suggested. :)
> 
> also should i make one more chapter or should i just end it here?


	9. family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> told in Teddy's POV, the much awaited Drarry wedding.  
> No texts this time, sorry.

It rained that day.

But it was the softest of drizzles. Tiny pitter patters that couldn't soak an ant.  
If anything, it made the ceremony even more magical.

Perhaps it was the field of evergreen grass, on which an archway of white roses sat, that made it seem that way. Perhaps the superstition of rain being a sign of good luck is true after all. Or maybe it was the abundance of creatures present around the alter.

Almost all of Harry's magical friends had come to attend, starting from the smallest bowtruckles to a rather teary Norwegian Ridgeback dragon and her pup. Hagrid stood by them, giving the bay dragon little treats.  
Norberta had one wing stretched, under which a couple of nifflers, three kneazles and a curly little golden doodle huddled together. A zouwu, transfigured smaller for convenience, curled around the puppy's neck. 

Even without the posse of animals, the wedding party was quite the eccentric one.

For one thing, Firenze the centaur, officiated the wedding in a yellow raincoat. 

Luna Lovegood and her girlfriend, Ginny Weasley came dressed in matching suits. Luna's had some sort of creatures running through it, while Ginny's was decorated with flying quaffles. 

Poppy's mum was dressed in a puffy dress that took up three whole seats. Her wife, Daphne, wore a slightly less voluminous version. 

The maid… err… man of honor, Ron Weasley, stood next to Teddy, looking far more nervous than he should. 

Teddy turned and searched for Victoire in the sea of faces. She was in the second row, easy to spot among the redheads. He grinned when she caught his eye and waved.

It was funny, being the best man in your godfather's wedding. Teddy was torn between feeling nervous and laughing. 

Draco ended up choosing Poppy as his (which caused rather a big uproar among Pansy and Blaise. Luna didn’t mind. "The best view is up front", she'd told Teddy).

Poppy looked radiant in a pale blue dress, and she smiled at Teddy when she caught him looking.  
Teddy smirked and pointed at Wahim, who was apparently having a serious conversation with one of the goblins in attendance. A pink blush spread across Poppy's cheeks.

Despite Draco's prior reluctance, Harry managed to convince him to let all their students attend. The look on TJ and Will's faces was worth it, really.

Firenze cleared his throat. "It is time for the ring exchange." 

Teddy felt rather important, handing the ring to Harry.

His godfather had uncovered his dad's old wedding robes. They were a sage colour that brought out his eyes, with golden embellishments around the edges. 

Draco looked royally flustered in his blue robes, the silvery designs swirling every time he moved. 

The sky seemed to clear up, just as the newly wed couple leaned in for a kiss. 

It lasted a second, before Harry grabbed his husband and pulled him in for another, deeper one.

Hermione raised her wand to the sky and pale petals began to fall instead of raindrops. It was ethereal, really.

"Get a room, you two," Blaise shouted from the front row. He seemed to have cozied up to Professor Longbottom's side. Teddy would have to tease Neville about that later.

"How does it feel to be a married man?" Teddy asks his godfather later that day. Harry was busy trying to steer Draco away from the bowls of pixie juice.

Harry shrugs. "It's like having a third child." He motions at the half-drunk form of his husband, being dragged away by Ginny and Pansy.

Teddy raises an eyebrow. "A third? There's Noodle, Draco and who else?"

"You," Harry said, green eyes sincere. "You're my kid too."

The emotion that bubbles in his chest is one he hadn't experienced since losing Andromeda. It's unfamiliar, but not unwelcome. 

"You… you really mean that?"

Harry smiles. "Of course I do, silly." He opens his arms wide. "Come here, Tedward."

Teddy pulls into the hug, not caring if Harry squeezed him to death.

"You guys are hugging without me? Not fair!" came Draco's voice.

Teddy just pops his head from its place on Harry's shoulder and motions for him to join in.

Then comes Ginny and Luna. Neville and then Blaise. Victoire, Dominique, Fleur, Louis and all the other Weasleys. Poppy and her parents. And then the rest of their friends join in.

All of these people loved him, Teddy realized. All of them were his family. 

Even the ashwinder napping on his head.

Wait.

"There's an ashwinder on my head!"

"That's just Bessie. She's a good sort."

"Bessie?" Teddy shrieks. "A good sort?"

"Consider it payback for dyeing my hair." Harry winks.

Teddy groans. He hates this family.  
Well, not quite. But it's a c'ose thing, I tell you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tada! I managed to make a crack fic sentimental lol.  
> If you liked it (and you know you did.) leave a comment! I love to hear what you guys think of my stories :D


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